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16 tablespoons virgin olive oil
4 cans Italian plum tomatoes (we recommend Association of Disgruntled Executives Who Have To Miss Prep. Warning: these have a tendency to disappear when you need them.)
around 30 pounds sliced chicken (we recommend the Association of White Tops)
lots of part-skim ricotta cheese (at least 2000 ounces, we recommend the Association of Blue -Black Bag-Carriers)
1 cup of mixed herbs
100 tablespoons grated Parmesan cheese (we recommend the Association of Knowledge Transmitters)


1. Preheat oven to 375 F. In a large saucepan, melt ricotta cheese, stirring in 8 tablespoons of olive oil (stop when first bubbles are seen). Ricotta is not very receptive to heat so it'll probably take quite a long time to melt.

2. Meanwhile, from the 4 cans of plum tomatoes, choose around 50 of the fattest, juiciest tomatoes. Usually most tomatoes prefer staying in their cosy cans (where they occasionally play Under-the-Table-Bridge during Prep(aration) time), so you must make some marking on the tomatoes chosen to prevent them from conducting Acts of Disappearance. A black marker would do the job as long as the ink isn't toxic and is heat-resistant.

3. Pour ricotta cheese into a large baking pan lined generously with the mixed herbs and leave to cool. Depending on the receptiveness of the ricotta cheese, which tends to be highly uncooperative during Prep(aration) time, a few areas of the cheese may slowly absorb the herb flavour.

4. Meanwhile, prepare the chicken. In a non-stick 96-inch skillet, heat 8 tablespoons olive oil over medium-high heat until hot. Add chicken and cook until pan juices have evaporated. Usually, the chicken should brown within a few minutes. Remove skillet from heat when lightly browned.

5. When ricotta cheese is ready, use a sharp knife (dip it in ice-cold water first) to separate it from the sides of the baking pan.

6. Now, stack the lasagna as follows: on the cooled ricotta cheese, place the tomatoes. Carefully spread the chicken on the tomatoes (to prevent chicken from squashing the tomatoes, since squashed lasagna is not appetising.) Finally, spread the parmesan cheese on top of the chicken.

7. Now, leave the lasagna in the pantry to cool. Since all the lasagna must absorb the herb flavouring before it can be palatable, wait for the cheese to pass on the flavour to the tomatoes. Some of these tomatoes, depending upon how ripe they are, may pass it on to the chicken. It is highly unlikely that the thick layer of chicken will pass it on to the parmesan cheese.

Maybe in a few months' time you will notice the parmesan cheese acquiring the spiciness of the herbs and do something about the highly-squashed-and-uncomfortable ricotta cheese and tomatoes. Or maybe sooner. Don't forget to open your pantry, or you'll never know.

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